2 Weeks and counting!!!

Its starting to hit me that in 2 weeks we will be in Europe. There was so much I wanted to do in the last few months before we left. I was supposed to start Italian lessons and though we have every Rosetta Stone program, it won't read on my laptop so it was put aside. I wanted to learn more about Rome and what we are going to see and Barcelona. Those are the two cities I worry about navigating around. I worry about taxis and HOHO buses and getting lost. Maybe we should take the GPS just in case.

Our new Nanny Cassie is a doll and I feel so much more at ease. The only problem is telling the other girl we don't need her anymore. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I just don't feel comfortable. I will have to chicken out and have Donald tell her.

As much as I try to overcome this, I miss my friend Christa. Whenever I think of her I start to cry. It feels like someone I loved died. There is so much I would tell her if she would just talk to me. I have looked back at my behaviour over the last year and have not liked what I have seen. I have always been a "what you see is what you get" kinda gal. That is not a good thing I have realized. I have been very harsh to some people, some deserving and others not. Most of my actions have been fueled by my addiction to alcohol. It has been over 3 weeks since my last drink. The words that still echo in my head are from Christa blaming my behaviour of this past month on being drunk. Whether true are not, it killed me that she thought of me that way.

I am trying to cope and find happiness in other ways but not having such luck. Christa was the one I could tell anything to. She understood the problems I would have with Donald or the memories of my father that torment me still.

I miss hearing about her kids. I loved Kylee and Kinsey like they were members of my own family. I didn't even get to tell Kinsey happy birthday. Maybe I make too big of a deal about all this but it hurts when you can't share the good and bad times with those who are dear to you.

Just one of those days

Ever just wake up and know it was just going to be a yucky day? Last night, after having a constant toothache for 3 weeks I decided to pop the crown off my molar to relieve the pressure. 2 rounds of antibiotics and it still hurt. It is swollen and bruised but the bigger concern is the hole in my mouth. We leave in just 2 weeks and doubt that I will find someone to fix it before then.

We meet with a new nanny prospect this evening. This one is a friend of our next door neighbor and I am feeling pretty good about this possibility. She sounds so much more together than the last one.

We went to Kings Island this Sunday and Monday and had a blast with the girls. Mackenzie is getting brave and riding big coasters and scarier rids. Poor Ryleigh is still about 1 1/2 inches too short for most of them so her and I ride the safer ones which is fine by me.

Also having to get Mackenzie ready for another week at camp, this time its swimming camp, something that she really needs. It will be good to get her out of the house for awhile as all she has been doing is pestering me about buying a chinchilla for her birthday. I need a rodent in this house like I need another kid; its just not gonna happen.

I thought it would be easier

I thought that since it had been a couple of weeks that things around here would fall back into place and that life would go on. Even though things here are OK, what is inside me hasn't returned anywhere near normal. Usually this would be a time that I would drown myself in a bottle or two of wine. Apparently I am nothing but a drunk, so much that any action on my part was attributed to my being drunk. It hurt that people would think that I didn't have any control over myself due to that. It has been 2 weeks since I have had anything. Its been difficult trying to deal with stress of the loss of a friend with no chemical aide. Today seems to be the worse for me. There is just nothing but this empty spot-just painfully numb.

Trying to muster up some joy in preparation for the cruise we have in 3 weeks. I am trying to finalize the nanny situation and even though the girls and I met her yesterday, I am still apprehensive about leaving the country without them.

When will things start to feel different??

Tears on my pillow

I could have entitled this so many things, but this is how I fell asleep last night and how I awoke. The past few weeks have been harrowing to say the least. It has been busy and dramatic.

We vacationed in the Keys and all was great aside from a confrontation with one of DH's friends who seems to believe he knows more about me and my Dh than I do. I didn't shed a tear. Return from vacation to find that my Father died that morning. Back down to Texas to deal with family and the ghosts from childhood that haunt me every day. Our family will never be the same as my brother chooses to live in denial. Shed only a few tears. This week I stood up for what I believed, and in my own way let out all the pent up anger and feeling that I have. I'm not the kind to let too much build up without blowing. It's not healthy. I have never pretended to be anything else than what I am. What you see is what you get. I tell it like it is. I refuse to enable or sugarcoat. Because of this, I lost every friend that I have. I have not stopped crying.



It's not that I regret what I did. I stand by my position. What I cry over is that I put so much into relationships to have people that I most love turn their backs on me. It has taken me 10 years since I moved to Ohio to develop friendships worth maintaining. I found a group of women that I was comfortable with who shared my interests. They are all gone now without hearing my side of the issue. That really doesn't matter as my side is what it is. They will see it how they want and nothing else.



Its extremely difficult to wake up knowing you are alone. Aside from DH who has been extremely supportive and compassionate, I am alone. Him and the girls are the only thing between me and the entire bottle of Ativan beside my bed. I have no idea of what to do. I just want to go away. Montana seems like Paradise to me right now. Anything sounds good, just take me away from here..... In the meantime I will continue to change the pillowcases.

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