I am so out of the loop

I can't believe that I have been walking around not aware that Matchbox Twenty released a new song. Me who claimed to be one of their biggest fans has been living in a cave.
We are now down to 9 days before we leave and Don is finally getting excited about this. He went shopping yesterday and spent way too much on clothes so he can fit in with all the Italians. I don't think he will have a problem as he has always looked Mediterranean to me. Sometimes (who am I kidding, most times) I look at him and wonder how I lucked out and married such a good looking man.
I keep stressing out on the temps in Italy. It has been sooo hot and I do not handle heat well. I don't want to look like a stupid tourist with a misting fan but I may have to resort to it. Hopefully our pictures won't feature me with a big frown in all of them.

2 Weeks and counting!!!

Its starting to hit me that in 2 weeks we will be in Europe. There was so much I wanted to do in the last few months before we left. I was supposed to start Italian lessons and though we have every Rosetta Stone program, it won't read on my laptop so it was put aside. I wanted to learn more about Rome and what we are going to see and Barcelona. Those are the two cities I worry about navigating around. I worry about taxis and HOHO buses and getting lost. Maybe we should take the GPS just in case.

Our new Nanny Cassie is a doll and I feel so much more at ease. The only problem is telling the other girl we don't need her anymore. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I just don't feel comfortable. I will have to chicken out and have Donald tell her.

As much as I try to overcome this, I miss my friend Christa. Whenever I think of her I start to cry. It feels like someone I loved died. There is so much I would tell her if she would just talk to me. I have looked back at my behaviour over the last year and have not liked what I have seen. I have always been a "what you see is what you get" kinda gal. That is not a good thing I have realized. I have been very harsh to some people, some deserving and others not. Most of my actions have been fueled by my addiction to alcohol. It has been over 3 weeks since my last drink. The words that still echo in my head are from Christa blaming my behaviour of this past month on being drunk. Whether true are not, it killed me that she thought of me that way.

I am trying to cope and find happiness in other ways but not having such luck. Christa was the one I could tell anything to. She understood the problems I would have with Donald or the memories of my father that torment me still.

I miss hearing about her kids. I loved Kylee and Kinsey like they were members of my own family. I didn't even get to tell Kinsey happy birthday. Maybe I make too big of a deal about all this but it hurts when you can't share the good and bad times with those who are dear to you.

Just one of those days

Ever just wake up and know it was just going to be a yucky day? Last night, after having a constant toothache for 3 weeks I decided to pop the crown off my molar to relieve the pressure. 2 rounds of antibiotics and it still hurt. It is swollen and bruised but the bigger concern is the hole in my mouth. We leave in just 2 weeks and doubt that I will find someone to fix it before then.

We meet with a new nanny prospect this evening. This one is a friend of our next door neighbor and I am feeling pretty good about this possibility. She sounds so much more together than the last one.

We went to Kings Island this Sunday and Monday and had a blast with the girls. Mackenzie is getting brave and riding big coasters and scarier rids. Poor Ryleigh is still about 1 1/2 inches too short for most of them so her and I ride the safer ones which is fine by me.

Also having to get Mackenzie ready for another week at camp, this time its swimming camp, something that she really needs. It will be good to get her out of the house for awhile as all she has been doing is pestering me about buying a chinchilla for her birthday. I need a rodent in this house like I need another kid; its just not gonna happen.

I thought it would be easier

I thought that since it had been a couple of weeks that things around here would fall back into place and that life would go on. Even though things here are OK, what is inside me hasn't returned anywhere near normal. Usually this would be a time that I would drown myself in a bottle or two of wine. Apparently I am nothing but a drunk, so much that any action on my part was attributed to my being drunk. It hurt that people would think that I didn't have any control over myself due to that. It has been 2 weeks since I have had anything. Its been difficult trying to deal with stress of the loss of a friend with no chemical aide. Today seems to be the worse for me. There is just nothing but this empty spot-just painfully numb.

Trying to muster up some joy in preparation for the cruise we have in 3 weeks. I am trying to finalize the nanny situation and even though the girls and I met her yesterday, I am still apprehensive about leaving the country without them.

When will things start to feel different??

Tears on my pillow

I could have entitled this so many things, but this is how I fell asleep last night and how I awoke. The past few weeks have been harrowing to say the least. It has been busy and dramatic.

We vacationed in the Keys and all was great aside from a confrontation with one of DH's friends who seems to believe he knows more about me and my Dh than I do. I didn't shed a tear. Return from vacation to find that my Father died that morning. Back down to Texas to deal with family and the ghosts from childhood that haunt me every day. Our family will never be the same as my brother chooses to live in denial. Shed only a few tears. This week I stood up for what I believed, and in my own way let out all the pent up anger and feeling that I have. I'm not the kind to let too much build up without blowing. It's not healthy. I have never pretended to be anything else than what I am. What you see is what you get. I tell it like it is. I refuse to enable or sugarcoat. Because of this, I lost every friend that I have. I have not stopped crying.



It's not that I regret what I did. I stand by my position. What I cry over is that I put so much into relationships to have people that I most love turn their backs on me. It has taken me 10 years since I moved to Ohio to develop friendships worth maintaining. I found a group of women that I was comfortable with who shared my interests. They are all gone now without hearing my side of the issue. That really doesn't matter as my side is what it is. They will see it how they want and nothing else.



Its extremely difficult to wake up knowing you are alone. Aside from DH who has been extremely supportive and compassionate, I am alone. Him and the girls are the only thing between me and the entire bottle of Ativan beside my bed. I have no idea of what to do. I just want to go away. Montana seems like Paradise to me right now. Anything sounds good, just take me away from here..... In the meantime I will continue to change the pillowcases.

I

Why is raising girls so much harder than boys?

Mackenzie is at the age where she thinks she knows everything, must put her 2 cents in every conversation, torments her younger sister, and must disaggre with me constantly. At the same time she so wants me to be her friend and hungers for my approval, yet devestated when i don't approve at some of her choices. It's so hard to have patience with her. She is the most marvelous child. Brilliant in school, hilariously funny, loyal friend and a beatifully caring heart towards those she chooses to love. Cracking her hard shell is tough. I think she needs more "Daddy Time" as her whole world has been me throughout Don's training and weird work schedule. Hopefully she will get some serious bonding with him while I am gone next week.

This one however, who could help but love??? She's my baby but quickly is developing her sister's bad habits. Right now we are fighting the "patch" war with her eye. She wants to act like a big girl but still is so clingy to me. This is my favorite picture of her. She loves to put her little outfits together.

Til later- off to deal with the two Divas!

The difference a month makes

I just read my last entry and wow, so much has improved. No...I didn't divorce my hubby. In fact he apologized and bought me my new van the very next day. It's beautiful aside from the "minor" scratch I got on it 2 weeks later, but that's another story. Things have been good between us this month. I got so sick last night and he was so there for me taking care of me all night long. I have forgiven his son and he has forgiven mine and it looks as if both have started to make a turn for the best as far as their futures. I will cross my fingers.

I am counting down the days til next Thursday. I get to get away for 3 1/2 days for a scrapbooking retreat with my best buddy. This time I'm going to take more time to enjoy all the stuff going on around me instead of stuffing myself into a corner.

I talked to my Dad a couple days ago. His voice has been affected by the chemo. He starts his 4th chemo this Thursday then they will scan to see if they have made any progress. The cancer was in his lung, liver and lower back.

My "baby" boy called me today. Once again he has gotten straight "A"s-gotta love this kid. He so has his stuff together. We are taking him to Florida with us this June-that will be a blast. Don is taking him fly fishing and I hope he enjoys it. I want to try to talk him into applying to some Ohio colleges next year as he wants to go all the way to Oregon. Part of me is jealous, its a beautiful part of the country.

The girls are doing awesome and Mackenzie is singing 4 lines in the March program for school in a couple weeks. Ryleigh's eye is still the same and I am still bad about patching-Bad mommy!

Lastly i am on a new diet-Yuck. I have to lose this extra weight before Sept 1st. We have a wedding to attend in Montana and i don't want to be mistaken for a dairy cow!!!

Know a good Divorce attorney??

Nothing like the realization that a marriage is finally over. My husband has finally lost it. Mr. high and mighty with his two bastard children who have been nothing but trouble wants to punish me for having a son who made a bad judgement call. In addition because I won't pull my kids out of school to attend the wedding of 2 people I don't know clear across country when I have to leave for Pheonix 2 days later, I am a horrible person. I don't share his dream of retiring in BFE also known as Montana, I don't want to spend a month in the Florida Keys alone with 2 little girls with limited activity.

In our nearly 10 year of marriage I have never been what you call high maintainence as opposed to "The Donald". The one time I take him up on an offer to get something nice, he wants to renig and accuse me of not earning it. I am so appalled. He told me he was not going to live with someone who did not make him happy or share his dreams, and I said "ditto". So, it looks like I will be looking for a good Divorce attorney. I am not going to live a lie any longer either.

So I have to have a goal

I'm taking this online class with the fabulous Heidi Swapp entitled "a year to remember". The big assignment is to find a goal for myself for the year. Here's the problem: I don't know of a goal that I can actually reach without feeling like a total failure. I have already blown the resolutions I listed previously. I don't think I can move forward in this class without it. The class is a calendar and here it is near the end of January, I have to get moving. As Heidi would ask "What am I waiting for?"

Right now I'm feeling very overwhelmed at the amount of crap in my upstairs bedrooms. I have to redecorate the girl's rooms and I'm on a deadline as furniture delivery is impending! I would love to get in my room and scrap but I'd have to crawl over all the junk. I get creative spurts but it goes nowhere.

Maybe the weekend will proove to be more productive.

Speed? Yes sir I'd like some more!

I have forgotten the joy of diet pills. I feel like a bear awoken from a long winter's hibernation. My dear friends I am talking about the joys of Phentermine, a lovely little blue diet pill that has brought me back to life. I have been so down in the dumps about my family situation and sometimes you just have to find a way out, be it physical or chemical. Today its chemical. Sorry to disappoint the conservative lot, lol.

Anywho. I can't control much of what's going on around here but I can control my own creative force. I have a few pages to create for our Columbus Scrappers retreat (which I soooo need). I am actually pumped up about it. It's a project that I am part of but not in charge of for once. Nice to be part of a group effort. So long I feel like I have been solo. That is not always a good thing.

I am actually going to a crop this weekend. Plan to get everything ironed out- been to long treading in the stagnant creative pond.

Bad, bad, blogger!!

Wow, what the hell happened? Didn't I say I was going to be accountable? Boy that so did not happen. To say this has been a bad week would be an understatement. It's like the gods that be read my resolutions and declared "Foolish human, you thought you could control your destiny? We'll show you!!"

After a long road trip with my oldest son, I thought I could talk sense into his head about his future by loosening him up with some alchohol. That was not such a great idea. Lots of tears, yelling and throwing things by both of us, all we accomplished was having killer hangovers the next day. He is an adult and I can't make him do anything..he has made that clear. He is leaving for Texas in 3 days and I have nothing but fear concerning his future.

All this stress has hit me physically too. No, I have not stepped on the treadmill, have not been sober and have slept as much as humanly possible. I have stressed out my gallbladder and pancreas. I just need a break. My father started chemo for stage 4 lung cancer last week. I don't expect him to last very long as he eats very little and is extremely weak and in back pain.

I have been reading all these inspirational blogs by people I admire and wonder why I can't see life the way they do. I see everything through a fog-like I'm not even here in my own life, just a spectator. Time to up my meds I think, lol.

Maybe tomorrow will be better......

Resolutions

Here I am at the age of 38 and I haven't seemed to keep any resolutions. So why make them? All about accountability as I stated before. I believe not enough people take it and own it. This past year I slept and sat away the majority of my time-it was pure laziness and I am disgusted. Hopefully this time will be different. I will try...

1) This weight has to come off-at least 50 lbs of it

2)I will walk 30 min a day on my treadmill

3) I will not drink-complete sobriety for me from here on out

4) Make a real effort at drinking 64oz of water each day

5) I resolve not to let laundry pile up

6) I will stick to a better and simpler skin regimen

7) I will be 100% better about Ryleigh's amblyopia program

8) I will become more dialed into homework issues with both girls

9) I will spend more 1 on 1 time with Don (This is most important!)

10) Lastly I will dedicate more time and effort nuturing my creativity.


I plan to comment at the start of each month on how well I am sticking to these resolutions.

Hope everyone had a safe New Year's Eve!!