Tears on my pillow

I could have entitled this so many things, but this is how I fell asleep last night and how I awoke. The past few weeks have been harrowing to say the least. It has been busy and dramatic.

We vacationed in the Keys and all was great aside from a confrontation with one of DH's friends who seems to believe he knows more about me and my Dh than I do. I didn't shed a tear. Return from vacation to find that my Father died that morning. Back down to Texas to deal with family and the ghosts from childhood that haunt me every day. Our family will never be the same as my brother chooses to live in denial. Shed only a few tears. This week I stood up for what I believed, and in my own way let out all the pent up anger and feeling that I have. I'm not the kind to let too much build up without blowing. It's not healthy. I have never pretended to be anything else than what I am. What you see is what you get. I tell it like it is. I refuse to enable or sugarcoat. Because of this, I lost every friend that I have. I have not stopped crying.



It's not that I regret what I did. I stand by my position. What I cry over is that I put so much into relationships to have people that I most love turn their backs on me. It has taken me 10 years since I moved to Ohio to develop friendships worth maintaining. I found a group of women that I was comfortable with who shared my interests. They are all gone now without hearing my side of the issue. That really doesn't matter as my side is what it is. They will see it how they want and nothing else.



Its extremely difficult to wake up knowing you are alone. Aside from DH who has been extremely supportive and compassionate, I am alone. Him and the girls are the only thing between me and the entire bottle of Ativan beside my bed. I have no idea of what to do. I just want to go away. Montana seems like Paradise to me right now. Anything sounds good, just take me away from here..... In the meantime I will continue to change the pillowcases.

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